“My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.”

I had a frustrating dream the other night – woke up all stressed out. It was a small menagerie of dream sequences, all of which tried my nerves in one way or the other.

The one I can remember, vaguely, is the one where I was at work and this guy I didn’t know, maybe the department director we still don’t have yet, wanted to do something dramatic at our school’s graduation ceremony. Something that involved spray painting our suits dark gray and replacing our shoes with heavy boots. Seriously. Maybe he wanted us to dress up as robots and act out the Mr. Roboto video. I don’t know.

I remember him saying that he’d be waiting for me at the rec center. I felt rushed as I started spray painting my outfit while standing at my computer. As I was about to leave, I remembered that I had to take care of so many other things for graduation before I could head on over. I probably figured I had some time before the next ceremony, seeing as it is, in real life, still a few months off. So that’s when I woke up all stressed and irritated – and having to get dressed and head off to work.

– Onto another topic. I found some class photos of my early years in grade school and decided to post a few of them on Facebook. I tagged some of my Facebook friends, realizing that a good handful of us have known each other since kindergarten. It’s an amazing thought, actually! Once I tagged some friends, many more came out of the woodwork that I didn’t know were even on Facebook! A few of my friends tagged more people on my photo. I was telling my mom this earlier, that it’s strange to see these former classmates as adults. Sometimes I feel that school just happened. It’s not like I’m living the glory days or anything, but I just don’t feel like that much time has gone by. Well of course it has, but when did we all grow up? When did so many of my classmates get married and have babies? Strange. It almost makes me envy them, but then again I think I’ve done pretty darn well for myself too.

– It’s funny, though – I have come across people on Facebook that used to be bullies in school. A few I can come to terms with – one was actually decent most of the time when she was separated from her pack. So we’ve added each other as “friends”.

There are a few others, though, that I hesitate on if I see them on there. To friend or not to friend. That is the question. Sometimes I decide against it. I found one guy in particular last night. He was the one who called me “scar face” in school so many years ago. I can’t bring myself to even ask him how he’s doing. Part of me thinks that he has surely grown out of that childish phase by now. We’re adults now….right? But the not-so-grown-up girl in me with the vivid memory of that rainy, dark day thinks that it would be best to just leave him be and forget he’s on there. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we were all immature at that time. We were kids. But it still doesn’t change much. If he emailed me to ask how I was doing, I can’t say for sure that I’d ignore him. But why should I be the first one to reach out, as if we’ve been school friends the whole time? I won’t.

– On a happier note, I did make contact with a few guys who weren’t bullies, who were quite nice to know back in school. We’ve known each other since grade school – one since 4th grade, the other since 5th. I’m glad we’re in contact again, even though they’re miles and miles away.


11 thoughts on ““My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.”

  1. I hate when I have a dream that leaves me frustrated upon waking. It ruins the whole day.

    I’ve thought about joining Facebook, but I really don’t feel like having my real name out there.

  2. That is a funny, but exhausting sounding dream. Maybe you have anxieties about work?

    I have found Facebook to be a great deal of fun. And Alien…no one knows if you don’t use your real name. So says Lau Ra. :-)

  3. I wish my old school acquaintances (I use that word because friend is a bit strong for some!) were a bit more like yours on Facebook. I get the impression that a lot of people I used to go to school with friend people just to bump up their numbers; very few of them actually get in touch and say hi … I think I might have to have a clear-out soon!

  4. AlienCG: I do too, one of the main ideas of sleep is to recharge and be ready for the next day. This had the opposite effect!

    Laura B.: Oh yeah, there are some anxieties at work – I know that work is on my mind a lot when it sneaks into my dreams.

    Churlita: That’s right, I do have the power. I can add them if I choose and I have power to de-friend them on there too.

    Tim: I’ve done the clear-out thing on Facebook many times – sometimes prematurely and then I’d feel bad and add them back on. I just hate it when I add them and they don’t do anything about it – no contact whatsoever. What was the point of it?

    But yeah a great deal of my classmates should be considered acquaintances.

  5. I had a dream the other day of crying hysterically about something. That’s tiring too. Can’t imagine spray painting my clothes! ;-)

    FB is very strange. I actually like the fact that some people on there I’ve never met in person. And sometimes I don’t like some people being my friend, and I’ve unfriended them. To me numbers don’t mean anything – it’s whether or not I want to hear what they write. But then I wonder how in the heck they want to know what I”m writing.

  6. To be friend or not to friend, I guess that is the question?

    For the bullies, I don’t think I’d be the first to reach out. Let them come to me first, with some kindness on their part…

  7. What a fascinating dream. Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto! Perhaps it’s a 80s music celebration hangover.

    I purposely avoid facebook or other social networking sites because the only people I really want to keep updated about my life are the ones I still talk to. None of my real life friends are aware that I have an online presence, and I really like that I have a space all my own, with a different set of friends who have brilliant and entertaining thoughts. It’s kind of nice and fun.

  8. Yeah, it is so hard getting friend requests from people you don’t really want to be friends with. I usually give in. Only one I think I have denied was a kid who I once taught when I was a teacher. As I think he is still only 13 or 14 tops, I think he is too young to read what I write.

  9. NoRegrets: I don’t think I’ve had the crying dream yet, but I’d imagine it would be just as exhausting!

    Seb: Yeah there are a few I remember who are on FB. I will not add them, they’ll have to come to me.

    Eros: I think you’re right about the 80s celebration hangover!

    I admire you for staying away from those networking sites. It was kind of a step for me to finally ween myself off of MySpace, but I’m glad I did. I do not miss it.

    Suze: I WILL be your friend!

    Manuel: You do have to draw the line in certain circumstances, especially the one you described.

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